A Spread of the Past

Me: (Trying to be funny and lighthearted) Meow?

EX: No, just grrr.

Me: Rough day?

EX: No, you just never talk to me anymore. I know I’m pretty one note sometimes, but yeeeesh.

 So started my conversation with a guy of the past.  We dated briefly, during which he told me about a secret he had kept hidden very well and guarded very viciously.  Knowing everyone comes with baggage, I embraced it and tried my hardest to help him get over the secret.  We were both very awkward though and had barely kissed.  We drifted apart until one day he told me he didn’t feel it anymore.  The spread was over.

Alpha. Begrudgingly Moving Forward.

Nothing ever came as fast as I wanted it.

Beta got cold feet so I had to wait for him, but in the long run I think that was for the best. Alpha turned out to be sort of an experiment to guage where I was emotionally.  I know that sounds awful, but give me a chance to explain.

As I mentioned previously, I failed my last test that was given to me.  The guy that ended up thinking I was a psycho.  Yeah, that one.  Well that has shown me that I am afraid of losing touch with an oppurtunity.  I was worried that if I did not make contact with him, he would forget about me or I would be put on the backburner and things would just fizzle out.  I didnt realize until that experience that my cell phone has become the greatest source of my anxiety when it comes to social interactions.

Its funny how I can breeze through a conversation with a customer who is less than happy with the product they purchased.  Its the silence that kills me.  I tried so hard to contain myself and put it out of my mind, but everytime I looked at my cell phone after I texted him, a part of me would break when I saw no response.

Step 2 : Date

No, tonight I am skipping ahead to step 2.

On March 17, I wrote on my facebook wall “My mission:  I have a plan and hopefully, if all the steps I take work out, this year will bring about lots of big and exciting changes to my life. I have a goal, and now all I need are the building blocks… “

Step 1 is still in progress, so I am jumping to how my step 2 went.

Step 2 involved me putting myself out there and making my intentions known to the universe that I want a baby.  Apparently I need sperm to make a baby and it would be nice to I guess find a guy to you know…help with the baby.

Page of Cups

Outcome:  A deep love relationship.  There is a desire to fully experience and open oneself to this love at this point in time.

Date – March 14, 2012

Question: What are the details of Megan’s Situation surrounding wanting a baby?

1. Ace of Pentacles – Significator

“ The Ace of Pentacles is a symbol of possibility in the area of prosperity, abundance, trust, security and groundedness. In readings, it shows that a seed of productivity has been planted in your life although you may not yet recognize it. When the
When you see this Ace, examine your life to  seed sprouts, it could take almost any form. It might be a feeling of centeredness, desire for results or need to focus on practical matters. On the outside, it could be an offer, gift, opportunity, encounter or synchronistic event.

see how its solid energy could work for you. Now is not the time for fantasy, drama or daring. It is a time to be real and centered. Seek out comfortable, reliable experiences that make you feel secure. Build a foundation of trust in your life both within and without. Your common sense will tell you what to do. Focus also on the natural world to help you stay grounded. Enjoy your body and all the joys of material existence.

The Ace of Pentacles can be a sign that you will be able to make your dreams real. Your ideas are ready to be turned into something tangible. Figure out what will work and make it a reality. You can now attract all the wealth you need to get your projects going. Tap into the material force of the Ace of Pentacles, and all your enterprises will flourish.”

My mom summarized this to mean grounded, practical, organized person.

Breaking The Ice

I love my mother. She is a great listener, a healer, and very intuitive. She has a passion for her spirituality and I’ve always thought of her as this gentle, kind and warm spirit. She is someone I can confide in and over the years has become a person that I feel the most at ease with in my family. This is one of the reasons I chose to breech the topic to her before my father.

My father is the type of person that almost left Juno because she almost got an abortion.  I have been forewarned that if either of his children get pregnant, they will be having a shotgun wedding.  I’m actually OK with that.  Id play the role of a wife raising a child with a guy who may not have wanted to get married in the first place quite nicely I think.  Every marriage has it’s faults.  Maybe I can act like it was an arranged marriage.  Those marriages are statistically shown to have lower divorce rates than “love marriages”. And who wants to be a single mom….right?  I didn’t know if I wanted to go down that path, but I guess whatever it takes.

So, my conversation with my own flesh and blood egg donor started out with “Ok, please don’t read into this too much and if we can, please keep this between us….but lately I have been thinking about having a baby. ” She smiled and I continued telling her about my incessant thoughts and how every time I get something in the mail, it just feels like a signal to me that the universe is itching for me to get started on creating a person. We discussed it at length and she of course poked at me that although she does believe that if you put that energy out it will become reality, she still does not believe in immaculate conception.

Baby Steps

I have already compiled a list of names for the baby:
For a girl, I have narrowed it down to 3 possible choices: Fallon, DeLaney, and Marley. Or as back up: Adalee – Bailey – Brennan – Cadence – Dakota – Ellory – Josslyn – Laney – Lizbeth – Melody – Opal – Paisley – Piper – Remi – Scarlett – Skyler – Teagan

For a boy, my top 3 choices are: Parker, Harper, and Luca. And fine, I will reveal my back up boys names: Avery – Carter – Charlie – Conner – Deacon – Demetri – Derek – Drake – Efron – Felix – Isaac – Jack – Jaden – Mason – Orion – Spencer – Tate – Tripp – Tucker – Wyatt

I have also made some parenting choices for the newborn. I would like to, at least for the first year or two, practice co-sleeping, breast feed the child, and make sure he or she meets their great-grandpa before he passes away so we can have a four-generation picture/memory to last forever.

When I first started seriously thinking about how I would walk down this chosen path, in all honesty I tried brushing away the negatives. Economically speaking, its unrealistic to think there is ever going to be a perfect time to have a child. That was my favorite to give if I ever discussed this deep desire with a coworker. I also know my family would support me. My sister would be a wonderful aunt, I would make sure the child and I start our new life together eating healthy foods and taking daily strolls/runs down the paths that run around our neighborhoods, and I just had this vision of peace and at ease feeling.

I guess, if I really wanted to come up with a negative, I could come up with some like…well my point is, I knew that what I was going through was irrational and had to come up with some quick lines that seemed rational at least on the surface.

Then, I started recieving care packages in the mail.

Spoiler Alert

I am going to try something new in the world of literature, so here we go -

 Spoiler Alert: I have a baby at the end of this blog.

This is not just a story about a boy and a girl who fall in love, get married and have a baby.  My story turns that upside down and inside out.  I somehow ended up approaching this baby idea at a new angle.  I have the answers to the test…just not the questions.  Or the paper and pencil.